A Happy Thanksgiving with MAGA at the Table
If you’re like me, when you think of the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, there is a bit of tension in your gut and dread in your heart over encountering some family members of the MAGA persuasion. You may have already decided not to gather with family because of your political differences, or to exclude some who espouse beliefs that you simply cannot tolerate. But many of us, for a variety of reasons, will be sharing turkey and stuffing with relatives who are likely to express their seemingly intolerable opinions and viewpoints, potentially ruining a perfectly wonderful opportunity for gathering and expressing gratitude for our many blessings.
There are a few things that might help you to not only tolerate, but actually enjoy, your Thanksgiving holiday despite the presence of folks whose orientation is in conflict with yours. The key is to know that you actually have within you the capacity to navigate these treacherous waters with greater ease and less reactivity.
Safety First
First and foremost is your personal and psychological safety. Ask yourself the fundamental question of self-compassion: “What do I need?” And maybe even extend that by asking yourself “What do I need to feel safe at Thanksgiving?” Your answer, whatever it is, is probably right for you and you should listen to your heart. If you need to not even be in that situation, then opting out of attending is a powerful act of fierce self-compassion.
But perhaps what you need is to set boundaries and limits around what is expressed in your presence. This can mean talking in advance with your host or hostess and asking them to set a “No politics and no religion” expectation for the whole group. But it can also mean that you can set your own limits and resolve to deflect, redirect or simply refuse to engage in conversations that violate your own preset boundaries.
There is lots of good advice out there for having difficult political conversations (see, for example, I Think You’re Wrong, But I’m Listening by Sarah Stewart Holland and Beth Silvers) but the most important thing you can do is to prepare your nervous system in advance and listen to it carefully in those key moments of conflict and pain.
Prepare Your Nervous System
Take a moment now, when you are feeling calm, open and receptive, to imagine the person or people whom you dread sharing pumpkin pie with this year. Notice what comes up in your body and mind when you simply think of them, perhaps at first reacting to their repulsive views and misguided activities. But after that initial spike of distaste, can you see the person who has those views and does those things? Can you remember them before they went out on that tangent? Maybe picture them as children, as someone’s son or daughter. Maybe recall a time in the past when you had a pleasant interaction with them or a funny story your family tells about them.
Let yourself savor any positive feelings that come up about them as fellow humans, aside from their politics. In my case, I feel gratitude for having this person back in my life after a long period when we were quite distant, even though I find his politics misguided and even dangerous. Can you see that, just like you and every other human being, this person just wishes to be happy and free from suffering? Even if their ideas are totally against anything you believe. Take a little time to connect to their humanity so that you can locate that same feeling later on when you are together. This will give you a kind of anchor in the storm of confrontation that may unfold. A place to rest your feet when you are feeling caught up in negativity.
One last point on preparing your nervous system: “Preparing” does not mean clenching and bracing for impact before you arrive. Just like in a physical collision, the key is flexibility and adaptability. See if you can arrive relaxed but attentive, with a spring in your step and a willingness to show up and respond in the moment with resilience and awareness.
Listen to Your Nervous System
No doubt, at some point when Uncle Fred is passing the mashed potatoes, someone will make an inflammatory reference to President Biden or quote a line from a Trump speech and, under most circumstances, you could have found yourself hip-deep in a nasty altercation with that person that is painful, hurtful and unnecessary.
The key, in those inevitable sticky situations, is to be able to notice the signs (in your body) when your nervous system kicks into its threat defense (fight-flight-freeze) mode. In that moment, if you can feel it, you can heal it, so to speak. Let it be a sign to pause, to breathe, to comfort yourself, to whisper some kind words of support to yourself and soothe your tender heart. What happens when you do that, is that you activate your mammalian caregiving system to override your less evolved reptilian brain, and from that platform of sanity, you can choose a response that is likely more productive than slinging the bowl of potatoes in somebody’s face. Or worse.
Keeping Your Eyes on the Prize
Above all else, remember why you are gathering in the first place: to be with loved ones, to share good times and to embrace how lucky you are to have whatever you have in life, despite all that life hands us from time to time. Be realistic and remember that no minds will be changed over the holiday, and that attempts to do so will be seen as resistance (by either party) and the more resistant we feel the less we hear and consider. Best to simply say “OK” to whatever is shared, let them say their piece and let the “bait” just float on by, untaken and ignored.
May the biggest debate be over white meat versus dark meat at your dinner table, and rest comfortably in the awareness that you have taken the high road, not for them, but for you. You are embodying compassion and mindfulness in those moments, and that’s a great resource to cultivate, especially in those most challenging moments.